


you girls you drive me crazy

by wethethousands (atlantisairlock)



Category: RED 2 (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, And Now For Something Completely Different, F/F, Podfic Available, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 15:50:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2513246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlantisairlock/pseuds/wethethousands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Who is your girlfriend, Sarah?"</p><p>"Katya Petrokovich."</p>
            </blockquote>





	you girls you drive me crazy

**Author's Note:**

> in this au, sarah (soph.) and frank (sen.) are siblings, marvin (jun.) is their cousin and victoria (jun.) and han (jun.) are their friends
> 
> title from 'crazy' by au revoir simone

"Frank?"

"Hmm."

"Frank."

"Yes."

"Frank, stop reading about Pol Pot for _one second_ and listen to me."

"I'm reading about Mao; Pol Pot was last semester." Frank puts his textbook down on his lap, injured, and stares very deliberately at his little sister. "What." 

"Ask me who my girlfriend is."

The older Ross-Moses thumbs his nose and heaves a deep breath, counting to ten before speaking again. "Who is your girlfriend, Sarah?"

Sarah has a shit-eating grin on her face, the one she wears when she makes Marvin buy her abalone and vodka. "Katya Petrokovich."

There is a deafening crash as Frank topples off his chair, textbook and all. "Oh no," Sarah says, deadpan and sounding minimally concerned. "Are you all right?"

"Give me ten seconds," Frank answers, scrambling back up and running for the phone. "I need to call someone."

 

 

"Marvin, where are you?"

"At the milk bar, why?"

"Are you with Vic and Han?"

"Yes...?"

"You need to come over  _right now._ "

Frank can almost  _hear_ Marvin raising one eyebrow. "Why's that, then?" 

"You need to stop me killing myself with a drawing pin in the middle of my living room."

"Marvin, give that to me." Victoria's voice comes muffled over the line and then she's talking. "Tone down the hysterics, Francis. What is it?"

_"Sarah has a girlfriend!"_

A long sigh. "Francis, we've talked about this, your sister is growing up and it's not uncommon for a high school sophomore to have a relationsh - "

"She's dating  _Katya Petroqueenbitch!"_

There is complete silence on the other end for at least ten seconds before Victoria comes back on. "We'll be right there."

 

 

Five minutes later, the whole crew is over at the Ross-Moses'. Sarah is sitting on the awful stool that Marvin carved for their mother's birthday and Victoria, Marvin, Frank and Han are perched on the sofa trying to puzzle out the situation.

Frank opens the discussion with an emphatic statement. "Sarah Ross-Moses, your girlfriend is  _not_ Katya Petrokovich." 

Her eyes are very wide. "That's quite rude."

"Sarah, Katya Petroqueenbitch doesn't have girlfriends! Or boyfriends! Or  _friends_!" Marvin garbles the words out before taking the carrot he's chewing out of his mouth and waving it to make a point. "She doesn't like anybody, let alone love anybody. Or whatever. She's too good for anyone!" There's a murmur of assent from Han. _"She's Katya Petroqueenbitch!"_

"I wouldn't go that far," Victoria taps her chin and smiles at Sarah. "I mean, we girls must stick together, Sarah - but there are some valid points in there. She's not exactly the nicest person in the hallways. Also, she's a senior. And you're a sophomore." 

Sarah does not seem to comprehend how this could possibly pose any problems. "But I like her. And she likes me. And we went out for ice cream last week; it was really nice." There's a happy beam on her face. "Oh, but Frank, aren't you in Calc with her? She's lovely. You should know. And she's good at Calc."

Frank sputters, at a loss for words and turning a familiar shade of purple. Instantly the other three turn to him and nod sagely. "You're her big brother," Han points out. "You'll have to talk to her some time or another."

"No!"

"Yes, it's a rule."

"Shut up, Victoria!"

After some bribery and persistent threats of telling Mrs Ross-Moses what Frank  _really_ did with her Ralph Lauren sheets, Frank grudgingly agrees.

 

 

"Katya."

Katya Petrokovich stares up at Frank from her desk and he swears he can feel her  _freezing_ him. "Yes."

"I'm Frank Ross-Moses."

"I didn't ask."

"I - uh, I'm Sarah's brother."

"I didn't ask."

Silently, Frank swears he's going to slimeball his friends in the corridors before second period. "I came to ask if Sarah's really your girlfriend."

"Yes."

"Uh - do you like her?"

"Yes." The look of boredom on her face makes him want to wither in his boots. "I do have strong feelings for her. Now are you quite done?"

Frank sits back down at his desk, staring down at his calc textbook and wondering why Sarah's taste in women is nothing like his own.

 

 

Han Cho Bai walks into his next class with slime dripping down his neck. Marvin and Victoria give him sympathetic looks. 

"Watch out in the corridors," He growls, ignoring the stares he's getting from his classmates. 

They all walk out of school together at the end of the day with slime in their hair. 

 

 

Katya whirls Sarah in an enthusiastic hug at graduation and kisses her deeply in front of all of them. Han drops his glass, Marvin swears, Victoria raises an eyebrow, and Frank puts his head in his hands envisioning a life with Katya Petrokovich as his sister-in-law. 

**Author's Note:**

> podfic available [here](https://soundcloud.com/aceolotl/you-girls-you-drive-me-crazy)!


End file.
